How to ask for consent — and how to hear the answer.
Consent is a clear, freely given, enthusiastic yes — not the absence of a no. This page gives you real scripts for asking for consent, ways to set sexual boundaries, and how to tell consent apart from pressure. And if you're unsure in the moment, you can talk it through privately at isthisok.app — free, anonymous, no account.
What consent actually is
Four things are always true at once. If any one of them is missing, there is no consent.
Freely given
No pressure, no guilt, no wearing someone down, no using your position or their situation as leverage. A yes you had to talk someone into is not consent.
Specific
A yes to one thing is not a yes to everything. Consent to kissing is not consent to more; consent last week is not consent tonight.
Ongoing
Consent lives in the moment, not in what was agreed earlier. Anyone can change their mind at any point — including mid-way — and that change of mind gets respected immediately.
Real
Someone who is drunk, high, half-asleep, scared, or dependent on you cannot give a real yes. Neither can someone significantly younger. If you can't hear an unambiguous, enthusiastic yes, there is no consent.
How to ask for consent (without killing the mood)
Asking well is a check-in, not a sales pitch. You're not trying to get to yes — you're making it easy for the truth to come out. That's it. A yes you didn't have to talk someone into is worth more — to both of you — because it actually means something.
- “Is this okay?” — plain and in the moment. Say it every time things escalate, not once at the start.
- “Do you want to keep going, or should we slow down?” — gives a real choice, not a yes/no trap.
- “You can tell me no — I’d honestly rather know.” — makes the no cheap to say, which is the whole point.
- “Tell me what you like and what you don’t.” — invites a real answer instead of a performance.
These aren't lines to deliver. If you're saying them while hoping they say yes, they won't work — and that hope is the thing to be honest about first.
The tell: hesitation is information. If someone freezes, goes quiet, or gives you a lukewarm "I guess," treat it as a no. Enthusiasm is the signal. Everything else is an answer you don't want to hear — and pretending otherwise is how people end up here, looking back at a moment they'd give anything to redo.
How to know if it's consensual
What consent sounds like
- ✓A clear, unprompted “yes” or “I want to.”
- ✓Both people initiating, not one person steering and the other drifting along.
- ✓Either person being able to say “wait” or “stop” and having it respected instantly.
- ✓Checking in goes both ways — they ask you too.
What is never consent
- ✕Silence, freezing, or going quiet. Stillness is often fear, not agreement.
- ✕“I guess,” “fine,” or anything short of an actual yes.
- ✕Someone who is drunk, high, or half-asleep. Incapacitated means no consent — full stop.
- ✕Yes extracted by pressure, guilt-tripping, repeated asking, or “but you got me worked up.”
- ✕Yes from someone who reports to you, is younger than you, or depends on you in some way.
One rule covers all of it: when you're unsure, stop and ask. An awkward ten-second conversation is always recoverable. Crossing a line is not.
How to set sexual boundaries — and respect them
Boundaries only work if you state them out loud. Hoping someone guesses your limits is not communication. Scripts that work:
- “I’m not ready for that yet.”
- “I like this — that’s where I stop.”
- “I need to slow down.”
- “Not tonight, and that’s not a negotiation.”
And on the other side of it: accept the first no. No negotiating, no "come on," no treating it as the start of a debate. A no that has to be argued into a yes isn't consent — it's a negotiation someone lost. If you hear yourself building a case for why they should change their mind, stop. That is the moment before harm.
Talk it through at isthisok.app
isthisok.app — is this ok? (ito) — is a free, anonymous space to think out loud about a confusing situation. No account, no judgment. A mentor voice gives you an honest read: it checks for crisis first, names it plainly when something crossed a line, and helps you figure out what to do next. Boys and men use it to think before the moment. Girls and women can use he.isthisok.app (is he ok?) to get a plain read on something someone said to them. And parents can start the conversation at formykid.isthisok.app.
If something already happened
It isn't too late to get an honest read. Bring it to isthisok.app — is this ok? (ito) checks for crisis first, names it plainly when something crossed a line, and helps you think about what to do next.
is this ok? (ito) isn't crisis response, therapy, or legal advice. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're in crisis, call or text 988. For support after sexual assault, call 800-656-4673 — free, confidential, and answered around the clock.
Why this page exists
Override Labs builds free, anonymous apps that help young people and their families make sense of confusing situations around sex and consent — before harm happens. is this ok? (ito) lives at isthisok.app. See all our apps, our research, and how partners can run this same prevention engine inside their own products at overridelabsprevention.org/partners.
Other places that can help: RAINN (rainn.org, 800-656-4673) for survivors, NSVRC (nsvrc.org) for research and education, and Stop It Now (stopitnow.org) for anyone worried about their own behavior or a child's safety.